employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
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I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
the #horror is real!
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera