BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
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[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.