Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
You Might Also Like
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
NSFW tweet
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Unionize your workplace
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.