‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
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Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.