I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
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Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women