Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
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Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Beware…..
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
“That’s what” – She
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.