Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
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[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day