Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
You Might Also Like
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?