Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
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LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up