Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
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Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
Breaking news:
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird