Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
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The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
President The Rock Obama
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down