i did the math
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me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
get you a girl who
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
This fish is cracking me up
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
Looking at you, Jesus.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*