Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
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Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
*praying for world peace*
God:
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
how much does a mortician urn in a year
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles