A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
You Might Also Like
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.