[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
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boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.