[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
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Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?