It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
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All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Who does Amazon think I am?
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
Oh, I bet you would be
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now