M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
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Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*