WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
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*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
This pepper has seen some shit
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Effort made
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants