I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
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I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
How to woo a woman
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
I’m giving up for Lent.
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
*checks Timeline*…
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.