My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
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Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.