[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
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You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*