Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
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*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
At least my masseuse has my back.
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein