My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
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Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!