funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
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Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
THIS HEADLINE
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
Always leave them wanting their money back.
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone