“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
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If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
oh good, now I can stop drinking
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
So, can we agree on 4 or
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.