Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
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Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…