Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
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Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
yeah no that’s fair
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.