WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
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If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.