“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
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Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”