Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
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If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
Me: I鈥檓 not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Don鈥檛 stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
Secret Panel HERE 馃敧
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she鈥檚 reading.
I support this random dude and all his protests
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don鈥檛 worry I鈥檝e got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.