I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
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Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
Stick it to the man
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too