*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
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“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
Check out my online Assassination Course, where I teach helpful tips like: “Don’t tell your targets you’re going to assassinate them.”
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.