The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
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What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
Guantanamo Bae
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes