So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
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[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.