Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
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Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.