-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
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Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
Birds & Planes.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast