When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
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When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*