Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
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Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa