ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
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Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
thanksgiving should be called feaster
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.