[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
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4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour