Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
You Might Also Like
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.