Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
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when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running