My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
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“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.