[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
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I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now