I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
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Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.