[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
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I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single