Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
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Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.