me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
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I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
you have three unread messages
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.