Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
You Might Also Like
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
Me irl
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq